i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
