He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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