Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
