my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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