I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
