I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
