Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
