I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
