Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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