shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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