dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You pole danced in your parka.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Randomize
