I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I have grass duct taped all over my body
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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