Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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