my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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