I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
