my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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