i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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