literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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