24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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