I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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