Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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