I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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