He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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