i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
