her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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