Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
