she was so not down for the gang bang
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
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