Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
