dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
