I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
