where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
