1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
