Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
