corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
