great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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