Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
