she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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