but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
