dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize