it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
