If that was your dad, he is hot
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
