I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize