i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
