Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize