I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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