bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
