The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize