mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
