I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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