why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
