Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
