The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
It was confusing and full of hummus
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
