I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
