im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
