I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Randomize
