she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
