Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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