You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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