the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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