I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Randomize
