It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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