Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
