I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
