Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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