Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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